The Sock Puppet is Always Slightly Smarter
by hippy.intellect
Summary: Glinda is a sock puppet that lives with the bohemians. But what happens when her evil sister, Galinda, shows up to get revenge on them? WARNING: this story contains valleygirl munchkins. If this offends you, don't read it.
1. Saws and scuba elves

Rent belongs to Jonathan Larson, and Rob the rubber chicken belongs to BreatheFromYourHooHoo, as does Far Far Away. And the two of us sort of have joint custody of Glinda. I also have joint custody with my friends of Charles the scuba elf, or as we call him in good old Quebec, Charles the scuba lutin. Oh, and I stole a line from the movie Shock Treatment. I do, however, own Jeff the potato and Galinda. AND YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM! Uh… unless you gimme a cookie. Then I'll let you borrow them.

The Sock Puppet is Always Slightly Smarter

Than the Average Bohemian

In the land of far Far Away, there was a loft. In this loft there resided a sock puppet named Glinda. Glinda lived happily with Mark, Roger, a potato named Jeff and a rubber chicken named Rob. Her life was happy, her friends were happy, even her food was happy (even though sock puppets generally don't have digestive systems). She was a very happy sock puppet.

Until one day…

One day another sock puppet showed up. Her name, we have learned, was Galinda. Galinda was Glinda's sister, separated at birth. However ,when Maureen had learned of Galinda's existence, she had attempted to kill her, fearing she would capture Mark's heart, as her sister had. Everyone was under the assumption she had died in a tragic baking incident. But they were wrong. Very wrong. And now Galinda was back from for revenge.

DUM DUM DUM!

The first phase in her devious plan was to chain Roger to the bottom of the lake. This was not cool, as Roger didn't like being chained to the bottom of a lake. Luckily, a little elf named Charles happen to swim past and gave him some scuba equipment.

'How are we gonna get him out of there?' Mark demanded. Rob, always prepared, pulled out a rusty saw and grinned evilly.

'Good idea,' Glinda said. 'We'll cut the chain!'

Jeff poked the saw's edge with his potato arm. 'No way is it sharp enough to go through a chain!' This comment made Rob grin even evilly-er (which is _so _a word).

'But it can cut through a leg!' he cackled.

Mark huffed. 'That is the last time I'm letting you watch Saw before going to the hardware store! Now we really need to think of a logical plan to- Where did Glinda go?'

Just then, they heard a scream erupt from the lake. Blood coloured the water and soon after, Glinda immerged, followed closely by Roger with one leg less.

Galinda watched angrily from a nearby tree. Her plan had been foiled. But Charles the scuba elf would not be around forever. And when that day came-

Suddenly, a flying cheese flew by and knocked Galinda out of the tree.

'CURSE YOU FLYING CHEESE!'

FIN DE CHAPITRE UN!


	2. It's Raining Gummy Bears!

Mark was dreaming. He was at Hogwarts, walking through the corridors. He spotted Harry Potter and attempted to ask him how he had gotten to Hogwarts, but when Harry responded, it was in rapid French. Mark slowly backed away. A snowy owl landed gracefully on his shoulder.

'Who are you?' Mark asked the bird.

It twisted its head sideways to stare at him with those big, owl-y eyes. 'DONCHA KNOW ME, KANSAS CITY! I'M THE NEW BERLIN WALL!' Then it poked Mark in the eye with its claw.

Meanwhile, in the loft, Roger noticed that, through the window, gummy bears were flying in and pelting Mark. Mark, in turn, was crying 'NO! BAD BIRDIE! I'M SORRY I ATE YOUR COUSIN THE TURKEY!'

'Mark!' Roger said, shaking his friend awake. 'You're being pelted with gummy bears!' Mark awoke, muttering about 'stupid Harry Potter with his stupid bird'. Then he realized he was being pelted with gummy bears.

'GAAAH!' he exclaimed, running out of the loft. Roger sighed and began hopping after him, because, as you will remember, he lost his leg in a tragic saw incident. But somehow the rain of gummy bears stuck with them, like something really sticky! The ran/hopped through the street, but the gummy bears followed. They reached the home of Maureen and Joanne, and banged on the door furiously.

Inside said home, Joanne and Glinda the sock puppet were baking a cake, Jeff the potato was giving Elsie the cow's hooves a pedicure (I'm pretty sure that's physically possible) and Rob the rubber chicken was attempted to make music with his saw. Maureen was just being Maureen.

The pounding on the door began, and Joanne huffed as she walked to the entrance. She opened it angrily and yelled 'WE DON'T WANT TO BUY ANY CHOCOLATE SQUID!' Roger and Mark blinked. 'Oh, it's you guys. Come on in. Hey, why are you being pelted with gummy bears?'

Meanwhile, from above, flying elephants were throwing gummy bears down. Galinda, on the back of one of said elephants, cackled evilly, proclaiming 'Go, elephants, go! Throw those gummy bears, or no pink cream doughnuts for you!'

Just then, hundreds of owls descended upon the gummy bear-bearing elephants. They grabbed the bags of candy from their trunks. Galinda screamed, desperately trying to get back the gummies. She grabbed hold of one of the owl's legs. The owl cried 'I DARE YOU TO TRY AND TEAR ME DOWN!' and shook Galinda from its leg. The evil sock puppet flew down to the ground, landing in a heap of gummy bears around the loft.

Back at Maureen and Joanne's, the shower of gummy bears stopped abd the bohemians enjoyed a very gummy breakfast, while the owls treated the elephants to some lovely pink cream doughnuts.

FIN DE CHAPITRE DEUX!

Rent belongs to Jonathan Larson. Rob the rubber chicken and the doughnut loving elephants belong to BreatheFromYourHooHoo. Harry Potter belongs to J. K. Rowling.

For those of you who don't get what's with the owl, the joke is that Harry Potter's owl's name is Hedwig, and the owl's quoting Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Ahahahaha…. No? Fine, be that way.


	3. Don't mess with the munchkins

The Sock Puppet is Always Slightly Smarter

Than The Average Bohemian

Chapter III:

Don't Mess With The Munchkins

There was a knock on the door. Roger hopped over to open it, hoping it wasn't that chocolate squid salesman. Fortunately it wasn't. _Un_fortunately it was a pack of angry munchkins.

'WTF!' one of the munchkin declared in a voice that suggested he had consumed quite a bit of helium. 'You totally ruined our lawn!'

'?' replied Roger.

The munchkin huffed angrily. 'You cut through the swirly part of the yellow brick road, and in doing so, totally ruined our lawn.'

'Like totally!' the others chorused.

'…' answered Roger.

'Kill the lawn-ruiner!' another munchkin cried. Before Roger could say 'I'm not particularly fond of Gouda cheese,' the munchkins had pulled out some very deadly frying pans and proceeded to give Roger the worst beating he had ever received from a munchkin in his life.

Meanwhile, in Mark's room, the filmmaker and Glinda the sock puppet were fighting over a chocolate chip cookie.

'I made it!' Mark protested.

'But it was in my blender,' countered the footwear. 'So it's mine.'

Mark was about to ask Glinda in whose loft was said blender at the time of the cookie discovery, but it was then he heard Roger being beaten with the munchkins' frying pan.

'You hear that sound?' Mark inquired. 'It sounds like-'

'-Roger being beaten with munchkins' frying pans.' Glinda finished. 'We have to help him!' She started running out to the living room, but Mark stopped her.

'Are you crazy?' he yelled in a whisper (which totally makes sense). 'Running into a room full of frying pan-bearing munchkins could only result in certain death!'

Meanwhile, at Galinda's evil lair, the evil sock puppet was eating a pink cream doughnut that she had stolen from an elephant named Snuffy, by using a piece of cheese. She laughed evilly as she thought of the munchkins she had sent after the bohemians. Little did the munchkins know, it was actually David Hasselhoff who had ruined their lawn!

Then something happened that Galinda could never have thought would happen if she had lived for a thousand years and done nothing in all that time but thought of things that could happen. Here's what happened: a snowy owl wearing a blonde wig flew in and stole the pink cream doughnut. LE GASP!

Back at the loft, Mark and Glinda had finished formulating their plan to save Roger from the munchkins.

'Ready?' Glinda asked.

'Yes,' Mark answered. 'No…'

'What is it?'

'I have a confession to make! I stole the donkey!'

'LE GASP! What did you do with it?'

'I dressed it up in Mimi's dress.'

'…'

'…'

'I'm not talking to you anymore,' Glinda decided decisively, opening up the door and charging. Mark followed.

'BEWARE, MUNCHKINS!' cried Glinda. 'For we have what you fear the most… BROOMS!'

She and Mark proudly brandished their brooms. The munchkins fled, screaming. After all, brooms were deadly for munchkins. One poke and they would fall, like… something that fell really fast.

So the short squeaky creatures dropped their frying pans and ran. Mark and Glinda were surprised to find that one munchkin remained, beating Roger like nothing had happened. The filmmaker and the sock puppet exchanged looks, then pried the remaining abuser off their friend.

'Didn't you hear us?' Mark asked him. 'We said we have brooms. You know? Munchkins' secret weakness?'

'Oh, but I'm not really a munchkin,' he replied. 'I'm an oompa loompa.'

FIN!


	4. The Return of the Cow

Sorry for not updating in ages. I wrote this like three weeks ago and kept forgetting to type it up, so by the time I finally got around to it, I was even surprised by some of the stuff I had written! I must apologize here to Austin Powers, who was sadly edited out of this chapter. I own nothing!

The Return of the Cow

Things were going well for Glinda and the bohemians. They had adopted the oompa loompa and were receiving child support from Willy Wonka (which they used to buy pumpkin pie). There had been no raining gummy bears, rampaging munchkins or people tied to the bottom of a lake. Everyone was happy. Except for Galinda. But no one cared, cause they thought she was dead and stuff.

On December seventh, they celebrated Exotic Egg day with a chocolate feast provided by Willy. There was chocolate covered turkey, chocolate covered potatoes and chocolate covered chocolate. Glinda looked around the table, at Mark and Roger, who were debating which was better, lemons or limes, at Maureen and Rob, who were discussing Maureen's last trip to Narnia, and at Joanne and Jeff, who were happy because their names were alliterated. A dog named Riff Raff was also there, but he wasn't really doing anything. The oompa looompa was passed out on the floor. Glinda sighed happily.

Then, all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door. Roger yelped and hid under the table, fearing it was the munchkins returning. Joanne took out her shotgun, fearing it was the chocolate squid salesman. Mark went and opened the door, cause, you know, Mark is smart like that.

All the bohemians were surprised to see that there was no munchkin behind the door, nor was there a salesman, chocolate squid selling or otherwise. It was-

'Elsie!' Maureen cried. 'Oops… I meant to invite you!'

The cow stamped her hoof angrily. 'Of course you did,' she huffed. 'And my name is Bob the 200th!'

Roger looked puzzled. 'When did you change your name to Bob the 200th?' Elsie glared at him.

'That's not the point.'

'Well, what is the point?'

'The point is… I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!' Elsie pulled out a chainsaw. Everyone screamed. 'I've already assassinated Collins.' They all gasped.

'NO!' exclaimed Rob despairingly, picking up a chocolate salt shaker and stabbing himself. Very few people knew that Rob was madly in love with Collins. He had even written a haiku about him. It went like this:

Oh, Thomas Collins,

You are my light in the dark.

I love you a lot.

Alright, it wasn't Shakespeare. But haikus are hard! You're only allowed to use seventeen syllables! Anyway, Rob's love poem didn't matter now, because both he and his love were dead.

'Elsie!' Maureen sobbed. 'How could you kill Collins? He made you mittens!'

Elsie smirked evilly. 'I have joined Galinda in her quest to destroy you all. She will supply me with cupcakes in return.'

'Galinda?' Roger cried. 'I thought Maureen had killed her.'

'What do you mean?' Mark asked. 'Glinda's right here.' He pointed to his sock puppet friend.

'That's _Glinda_, Mark,' Joanne informed him.

'Yes, Glinda.'

'Not Galinda.'

'Yes, it _is _Glinda!'

'GALINDA!' Jeff the potato cried. 'Like, with an "a"!'

'Of course Glinda has an "a",' Mark responded. 'Otherwise it would just be… Glind.'

Elsie rolled her eyes and charged at Mark.

'NO!' Glinda screamed as her beloved fell to the ground. She rushed to his side.

'Mark, are you alright?' she asked.

'I'm fine,' he responded, then began coughing up blood.

'Someone call an ambulance!' Jeff cried.

'No, honestly,' Mark told him in between coughs. 'I'm fine.'

'I think your arm is broken,' Glinda sobbed.

'It's not broken, I'm- OW!' he cried as Glinda poked his arm. 'No, really, I'm fine… just… fine…' And with that, he went unconscious.

'Elsie, you used to love Mark,' Maureen reminded the cow tearfully.

Elsie laughed evilly. 'Not anymore,' she said. 'Now I love no one but Galinda.'

'That's right,' a voice from the doorway spoke. 'No one but me!'


	5. A Fantabulous Reunion

Everyone turned in shock to see Galinda the evil sock puppet standing in the doorway. Maureen stepped forward. 'I thought I had killed you.'

'You came very near to doing just that,' Galinda answered. 'But luckily David Hasselhoff was there to save me! But there's no time for a full explanation. I have a hair appointment in half an hour and I have to kill you all before that.' She pulled out a machine gun and she nodded to Elsie, who turned on the chainsaw with a cackle. They began to approach the cowering bohemians. The oompa loompa cried. Jeff fainted. Maureen prayed to Simon Cowell. They were sure they were about to die.

Then something happened.

Do you want to know what happened?

Are you suuuuuuuure?

Really?

Really really?

Truly positively very completely absolutely beyond doubt indeed?

Okay.

This is what happened.

A bunch of people burst through the door. One was an overenthusiastic, pale real estate agent by the name of Barry and the others home-shopping couples.

'As you can see, this spacious four room loft has a distinct bohemian feel, and the location is excellent, right near such famous attractions as the Life Café and the world's third largest gummy bear factory. It's a wonderful place to start a family, eat chocolate, or take over the world. In fact, it's-' he took a large breath and began to sing. 'FAAAAAAAANTABULOUS FANTABU-'

'EXCUSE ME!' Galinda yelled angrily, interrupting Barry's little ditty. 'I am _trying _to seek revenge here. What are you doing?'

A young woman spoke from the crowd. 'He's showing us around the open house.' Another man nodded and added 'We're thinking of buying it.'

'There's no open house here,' Joanne informed them calmly. 'This place is not for sale.'

'Really?' Barry looked genuinely confused. 'I coulda sworn that…'

'How come you look so much like Mark?' Glinda asked, gazing from her unconscious love to the singing realtor.

Barry began looking very nervous. 'Oh, well, uh…' he answered and became very interested in his feet. 'I dunno. But it certainly isn't because he's my little brother that I threw into the sewer when he was two because he killed my teddy bear.'

'Oh,' Glinda said brightly. 'Good to know we got that cleared up.'

Galinda sighed. 'Are you people going to leave or do I have to kill you too?'

Suddenly an older man stepped out from the crowd. 'Did you know,' he told them. 'That it's scientifically proven that killing people is bad for your health? I should know. I'm a doctor.'

Galinda immediately dropped the gun. 'Really?'

Glinda chuckled inwardly. She knew her sister was a health freak. Would she really want to kill them all if she knew it was bad for her?

'Is it really really bad for you?'

'It's been known to decrease your life expectancy by up to twenty years,' the doctor said. Galinda covered her mouth in terror.

Barry spoke up then. 'You know, revenge is great and all, but wouldn't you rather settle down in a nice two story Spanish colonial with a nice guy, maybe have some little sock puppets of your own?'

The evil sock puppet sniffed. 'I've always wanted to live in a nice two story Spanish colonial. I've just been too caught up in vengeance to think about it.' With that, she began to sob. Her sister approached her and they hugged.

Meanwhile, Elsie, who had been pretty much ignored all through the chapter, was fuming. 'You've got to be kidding me!' she finally cried with an angry moo. 'After all we've gone through, you're going soft?!'

'Yup,' Galinda responded.

'FINE!' the cow bellowed. 'I'll finished you all off myself, if it's the last thing I do!' She started the chainsaw (which she had turned off before, as she didn't like to waste energy) and ran towards Glinda.

Then something happened.

Do you want to know what?

Really?

Really really?

Really really re- (tomatoes are thrown at hippy.intellect) Okay! Okay! This is what happened…

As Elsie attempted to pass over Mark to get to Glinda, Mark shifted in his sleep that wasn't really sleep but an unconscious state. Elsie tripped over him, and somersaulted over to the table where the chocolate feast was set up. The melted chocolate that was being used as gravy fell to the ground, and Elsie slid on it right out the window and under the fire escape.

It hurt.

FIN DE CHAPITRE CINQ!

Did Elsie survive? Is Galinda really ready to settle down? Who told Barry there'd be an open house? AND WHO STOLE MY BAGEL BITES!?!?! Find out next chapter.

I OWN NOTHING!


	6. Epilogue

Epilogue

After Elsie fell out the window, Glinda lived happily with her family once more. Elsie survived, but three of her legs were broken and she was put in Toronto's famous cow asylum. She lives there to this day, muttering on and on about raining gummy bears.

Galinda married Barry and together they bought a lovely two-story Spanish colonial and had lots of crazy little singing realtor sock puppets.

In honour of Rob the rubber chicken, Jeff the potato opened up a hardware store called The Rusty Saw. It sold lots of rusty saws.

The chocolate squid salesman was arrested indecent exposure and sentenced to life without chocolate.

Hippy.intellect's bagel bites were returned to her.

FIN!


End file.
